Autobiography

By Vladimir Huber

When I was completing my Master’s program in Psychology at the University of Santa Monica, California after having completed a course on John Bradshaw’s genogram, which is like a detailed family tree (book, Family Secrets) we were asked to write a creative autobiography, with text, photos, and anything else we wanted to include in it.

One of the tools we could use was Erik Erikson’s 8 stages of development. I added a previous one to the first one, starting at conception, instead of birth, since during my training as a breathwork facilitator with Drs. Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks, we had been doing water breathing to work with prenatal issues. I wrote nine poems, one for each of the 8 + 1 stages. After each stage, we were asked to express our self-forgiveness, which is a way of acknowledging the judgments we make on others and ourselves. It relates to what’s called projections, in psychology.

The title, History of Loving, was given to us by the faculty, as an expression of whatever might have happened in our lives. It was a memory of loving and painful moments, which we were willing to heal. Somehow, I was greatly suprised when I found much joy in the memories, besides the painful times.

So, here it is, the history of my life, from conception to bye-bye.
May you enrich yourself with the story,

The post Introduction first appeared on Vladimir Huber.

Vladimir Huber

By Vladimir Huber

Vlad’s creation
conception – birth
fish vs. human
resolution: it’s OK to be a tadpole

Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development
birth – 18 months
trust vs. mistrust
resolution: hope/optimism

18 months – 3 years
autonomy vs. shame and doubt
resolution: self-control and willpower

3 – 6 years
initiative vs. guilt
resolution: mature sense of purpose

6 – 12 years
industry vs. inferiority
resolution: sense of self as competent

12 – 20 years
identity vs. identity confusion
resolution: fidelity = being true to yourself

20 – 35 years
intimacy vs. isolation
resolution: loving

35 – 65 years
generativity vs. self-absorption
resolution: sense of caring for and about others

65+ years
integrity vs. despair
resolution: wisdom

The post Definition of Stages first appeared on Vladimir Huber.

fish vs. human

resolution: it’s OK to be a tadpole

The big bang

I just heard a big bang
it sounds like my parents decided
to have some fun
yet, I don’t think that
they calculated the consequences
well, you know kids!

As I was floating through the celestial roads
something pulled me down with urgency
my soul was required for a kid being created
it will be a boy, and he will be wanted
even though he wasn’t planned

It’s funny to be in water again
from a bird I have become a fish
but they say that I will be
a human after all
my God, can they make-up their minds?
it almost sounds as if nobody is in control

I better shut-up
I don’t want to get in trouble with the boss
he does get a little cranky every now and then
but, it is usually justified
and no, I’m not kissing ass
I don’t care what you think!

My mother is getting roundish
her waist is no longer around
she looks more like a barrel
but a happy one, after all

My sisters sound like two additional mothers
oh, boy, will I be spoiled!
nothing wrong with being wanted, kissed, and hugged
give me more, I’ll say, as they take care of me
oh, boy, I can’t wait to be at home

Oh, my God, it felt like an amusement park
as I was going down the slide
they could have told me
about how fast my mother’s deliveries were
not even Fed-Ex could compete with her

And who are all these people?
why do I get spanked on the ass?
I want my mommy, I want my mommy
why do they take me away from her?
these people have no shame
these people have no love

I know they are doing their best
but I want my mommy
I do, that’s what I want
I want my mommy
and that’s what I got
I got my mommy!

Self-forgiveness
conception-birth

I forgive myself for judging myself as overprotected
I forgive myself for judging myself as egocentric
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as spoiled

The post Conception – birth first appeared on Vladimir Huber.

trust vs. mistrust

resolution: hope/optimism

The king is here

The king is here
Hear people, the king is here
hear! hear! he has finally arrived
nine months seemed forever to wait
for him to come to be with us

Blessed we are due to his presence
us, humble subjects, his servants will be
blessed we are for the opportunity to serve him
we thank God for the chance to be close to him
finally, finally the child has arrived

How different our lives were before his arrival
now there is hope, and maybe, forgiveness
mother Luchi has given us a Christmas gift
in the middle of August, but Christmas is

Father Kinco is proud like a lion
he knows he has brought the king
to the earth of his ancestors and descendants
the father has delivered, as well
he has delivered his promise of bringing the king

The holly sisters are overjoyed too
they don’t seem to express any jealousy
joy and love with a glow around their heads
is the only expression of their emotions
they can’t seem to be able to utter a word
their hearts are warm ‘cause the king is here

The word has gone around
and they say the president and his wife
will be the godparents, if the king accepts
we pray that he will
in spite of his stature, he’s humble
‘cause his heart is close to the people

The press can’t get enough of him
he’s hotter than Claudia Schiffer
in selling anything in print
maybe that’s why the media
calls him the golden boy
extra, extra, it’s the golden boy!

The baptism came
and the whole country was watching
the streets were overflowing with rich and poor
men and women, children and adults
the trains were stopped
everything came to a standstill
you had to be there, if not
what were you going to talk about
for the next few years?

Some people, the eternal pessimists
say that all this attention could damage him
how naive! of course, nothing could damage him
and if there is sequela in his heart
some say that he will attend a school
somewhere in Saint Monique, up north, some day
where the healing will take place

Healing is what he has brought
healing is what he will have
healing is what he will give
that he will be a healer, doubt there is not
may his heart be eternal, may his wishes be fulfilled
may his joy and glow be shared by all
so that his healing will reach us all
amen!

Self-forgiveness

birth-18 months

I forgive myself for judging myself as overprotected
I forgive myself for judging myself as egocentric
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as spoiled
I forgive myself for judging myself as hot as Claudia Schiffer

The post Birth – 18 months first appeared on Vladimir Huber.

autonomy vs. shame and doubt

resolution: self-control and willpower

The king is shy

So much attention has turned the king shy
he looks for his privacy at an early age
he feels OK with people, by doesn’t say much
maybe, it is part of his royal demeanor
it’s fine, he’s still quite young

People talk about his sweetness
how everybody wants to hug him and squeeze him
for sure, he’s not lacking attention
he also plays with his friends
just like any normal child
the subjects are proud of him
God has made a good choice for the kingdom

His parents show much affection for him
and his sisters are his two additional mothers
seven and nine years older, they care for him
they used to play with dolls, now they play with him
their maternal instincts already showing
how glad they are to have the golden child
in their arms, with them at all times

He is in his world, and a lovely place it is
they are in his world, or so they think
they are connected by love
and the world spins around

Self-forgiveness
18 months-3 years

I forgive myself for judging myself as overprotected
I forgive myself for judging myself as egocentric
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as spoiled
I forgive myself for judging myself as shy

The post 18 months – 3 years first appeared on Vladimir Huber.

initiative vs. guilt

resolution: mature sense of purpose

The golden child is red

The child is red, the king is red
do not despair, it is not what you think!
it’s only his hair, the color of fire
he wears a hat to protect himself from the sun
is the sun competing with him?
not a chance, the sun knows better

His initiative is starting to show
his mind is showing its growth
the child is bright, a sunny future awaits
the adults feel comfortable with him
will he be a politician, too?
it’s hard to tell, but the conditions are there

His father soars in all fronts
the family is united, prosperous, and cheerful
famous people come to their home
miss universe, the mayor of Paris
the Chilean president, and others alike
the child is comfortable among them all
as they hold him for pictures and reportages

He is getting ready to go to school
where the protection of a controlled environment
is no longer present, chaos might ensue
other children, some even aggressive
might not even care about his redness
how cruel children can be!

He definitely doesn’t like the experience of school
his shyness shows at every turn of the page
time passes by, but not fast enough
he wants to go home, and now
get me out of here, he says
I don’t want to be with these kids
At home he feels safe
at home he can be himself
at home he is protected and loved
at home he feels at home

Self-forgiveness

3-6 years

I forgive myself for judging myself as overprotected
I forgive myself for judging myself as egocentric
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as spoiled
I forgive myself for judging myself as shy

The post 3 – 6 years first appeared on Vladimir Huber.

industry vs. inferiority

resolution: sense of self as competent

The kingdom is falling apart

The child is growing, the child is learning
he is not comfortable at school
even though he does well, they skip him a grade
dark clouds are coming closer in his horizon
he doesn’t know what destiny will deliver
but he sure knows of the gravity of the package

A mortal wound has been inflicted in his heart
his father had to leave the country
because he made bad investments
Chile doesn’t forgive debts, in jail you must go
just because you have a debt
who cares about the child who’s only eight?!

His father told his wife that he had three choices
jail, suicide, or taking off
they decided that he should leave
in order to stay out of jail, and remain alive
the child has no father
and with that, all the shame
of what the yellow press is saying

The moment has come for revenge
politics at its dirtiest, blooding his father
since he doesn’t have power nor money
he is nobody in the eyes of the vultures
who don’t think twice in eating his body away

The family is wounded, the child is alone
all the furniture is gone, the mirrors and the fridge
there are no beds, only mattresses on the floor
it’s 1960 in Chile, but it seems California
in the sixties and seventies
yet, there are no flowers nor smoke
and the mattresses on the floor are not a political statement

The family hardly eats
grandpa brings bags with beans, lentils, and chick peas
eating is a ritual, appreciated, with plenty of bread
so, the hunger can be hidden away, somehow
the pain of not having a father is felt by all
the child cries alone in his room
he is hiding his pain, he is alone in his sorrow
in spite of all the support, love, and caring that he gets

The father is away working as a waiter
or in whatever he can to help heal the wounds
of a hurt child, his two sisters, and his mother
the girls leave high school to start working
new territory for two adolescents
used to the good life and a loving, united family

In spite of the adversity, they unite more than ever
courage and pain, mixed with creativity and sweat
the sweet smell of poverty
mixed with the golden memories of better days gone by
yet, were they really better?
comfortable, yes, but better, who knows?

The girls marry when the child is eleven
the mother can finally leave to be with her husband
the child has been with his grandparents for some time
he loves them very much, he feels close to them
he goes for walks with his grandfather
and sometimes they get lost in the hills
or get wet by the waves when they go fishing
in the early morning of the Chilean winter
grandpa is with him, he has found a new friend

The child has found a new father figure
he doesn’t feel so alone
but of course, he hasn’t forgotten his father
he misses him much, even though he doesn’t show it
he doesn’t show much, he keeps it all in

With his grandfather, they make slingshots
work in the garden, go to captivating places
he has discovered a whole new world
and the old man has the son he never had
he had daughters in his life, which he loved
but couldn’t do all the things he does with the child

Life is bringing a new surprise
Pivo, as he calls his grandpa, gets ill
they don’t know what he has
but most likely is cancer
the mysterious rebellion of the cells
which will take Pivo away from the kid

He had found a heart, a friend, un amigo
but it is again taken away from him
can life give him a break?
the child doesn’t understand what he has done wrong
why must he pay for something he didn’t do?
why is life relentless in its punishment?
and why is he punished in the first place?

He only has one place to go
inwards, inside, to the interior of his shell
he has built a solid bubble for protection
it works well, even though the pain is enormous
it surely doesn’t take the pain away
isolation is tantamount, there is no reason to live
why get up every day?
he surely has no answer, and life goes on

He lives with his grandmother
he is very angry
he has lost his two papas
how much longer will I be punished???!!!
he screams at the heavens
but an answer he doesn’t get
but an answer he doesn’t get

Self-forgiveness

6-12 years

I forgive myself for judging myself as overprotected
I forgive myself for judging myself as egocentric
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as spoiled
I forgive myself for judging myself as shy
I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy of love
I forgive myself for judging myself as deserving to be punished by life
I forgive myself for judging myself as an unwanted child
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of friends
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a family

The post 6 – 12 years first appeared on Vladimir Huber.

identity vs. identity confusion

resolution: fidelity = being true to yourself

The adolescence that never was

The child became a teenager
he was shy, introverted, and depressed
pain was all over his soul
he didn’t have a father, at least, not with him
he wouldn’t show the pain
yet, he couldn’t hide it, either
the child became a teenager
but the teenager never allowed
the child to roam free

Painful years at school and at home
he went from place to place
first, his original home, happy and all
then, his mother and two sisters, also in pain
then, his grandparents and their loving care
then, his grandmother, a widow, in pain and confused
then, his oldest sister and her husband
they tried their best, but the teenager was in pain
actually, he didn’t have a home
his father was not with him
and now, his mother went to live with his father
he was happy for them, yet, he was all alone

The teenager tried hard to fit in
but he was too awkward to be accepted
he could hardly talk, he could hardly express himself
silence was his companion
in a life of darkness and sorrow
he was alone, he was alone
no father, no grandfather
one gone, the other one dead

What was the purpose of living?
he would ask himself
without knowing what to answer
maybe there was no answer
if so, then what?
but if he took action, leave this world
it would be too dramatic
way too dramatic
and it would bring even more pain to his family

Yet, the temptation was there
it would take away the pain he was feeling
in his soul, in his body, in his heart
at least, that’s what he thought
he didn’t do it, but it looked awfully good
a few kids from school had done it
maybe they were now relieved of their hurt
maybe not, who knows?

The years went by, pain became a habit
the years went by, and nothing seemed to change
yet, he gradually started to rebel
he did well in sports and academia
he started to drink, a tradition
in a British school, the one he attended
it was his way of coming out of the shell
some adults were now quite confused
did they prefer that he had stayed in the shell?

He became a tough guy, at least on the surface
he drank and smoke, and not always tobacco
he was looking for something, outside and inside
yet, the town was too small and boring
he had to leave, and so he did
or at least, that’s what he thought he would do

His father objected of him going to New York
he was only seventeen
he had just finished high school
he was ready to go, but papa said no
he had caught him smoking the weed
and it scared him to have his child
alone in New York doing who knows what

The arm wrestling began, father and son
together in the struggle, facing each other
two skilled enemies not willing to give an inch
the father, a skilled politician
the son, a hustler who traversed many homes
related by blood, but quite opposite in their vision of life
who knows what destiny would bring

After disappearing from home as a threat
with police, friends, and relatives behind the kid
the father finally gave the okay
the child departed from his father
having been together for only two years
after the old man returned from abroad
he was finally back, the son couldn’t wait to leave
he was finally back, the son couldn’t wait to leave

It was difficult for the child to adjust to a father
after having been on his own for half of his life
the father wanted to tell him which way to go
when the kid had told himself just that for eight years
he thought there were other ways to live
and that’s exactly what he wanted to find out
he had to go, he had to go
and nothing was going to stand in his way

He took a boat to New York at seventeen
he lived in New Jersey for three years
he went to college, and told papa with pride
his father was finally satisfied that his son
had not gone the wrong way
had not gone the wrong way
what a relief the old man felt
his son was OK, he could sleep in peace

The child discovered all kinds of things
he wasn’t observed and recognized in New Joycy
as he was in his town, so he walked freer
he went hungry, he didn’t have working papers
he got anemia and mononucleosis
and a few others of the intimate kind
after all, he was hungry, but he could love
so, that’s what he did, and sometimes
lovers he found, the warmth of tenderness
had finally arrived, he was overjoyed

He had to travel eighteen days by boat
from his country to the land in the north
to find those sweet moments he couldn’t find at home
he had to travel eighteen days by boat
to be close to a beating heart
he had to travel eighteen days by boat
to scream in the middle of the night
because life was too sweet, to the point that it hurt
but, oh my God, that pain was so sweet!

The child was becoming a man
the child was finding out about life
he washed mountains of dishes in restaurants
and he ate leftovers, whatever the patrons wouldn’t eat
he was becoming a survivor, like his father
the child was leaving behind the child and its fears
he was walking on more solid ground
moving and talking, feeling and hugging
the trip was a success, he was on his way to find his heart

He found his love in Atlantic City
back then, when there were no casinos
when you could walk at night without fear
as they say, the good old days
she was open, direct, and loving
they were made for each other
but it wouldn’t last long

He received a letter asking him to return to Chile
his father was ill and ready to be operated
they wanted the whole family together
just in case his father would leave this world
at his return in Chile he felt like a tourist
again, in the awkward position of feeling awkward

His father survived, he was a survivor
his son couldn’t wait to leave
he enjoyed his family, his friends, his father
but, the call of his heart to reunite with his lover was too strong
yet he didn’t know if they would ever meet again
he couldn’t get a visa to return to the US
he would go to Europe and other places
his search for his life would continue
and sadness and sweetness would be his companions
not leaving him alone, embracing him forever
like two lovers in a humid, cold winter night

Self-forgiveness
12-20 years

I forgive myself for judging myself as egocentric
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as spoiled
I forgive myself for judging myself as shy
I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy of love
I forgive myself for judging myself as deserving to be punished by life
I forgive myself for judging myself as an unwanted child
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of friends
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a family
I forgive myself for judging myself as angry
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a father
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of joy
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of being alive
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a lover
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of having feelings
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of expressing emotions

The post 12 – 20 years first appeared on Vladimir Huber.

Intimacy vs. isolation

resolution: loving

In search of his heart

He had left his heart in the north, in 1972, and it hurt
he was madly in love, yes, quite much
this way, for the first time in his life
he met women here and there, but he couldn’t forget her
he lived in the Canary Islands, Madrid, Barcelona
and also in Switzerland, Andorra, Holland
later, Mexico and Washington, DC
here he met his future wife
she would replace his former love
and help him to gain stability in his life

While in Europe, he missed his former lover
she had taken his heart, he felt the pain
for some reason, they didn’t meet
for some reason, time went by
and the reunion was not a reality
the reunion was that, an intention
born of the wishes of a heart, mainly his
his pain was obvious; his sorrow, abundant

He kept on hopping from country to country
he kept on wishing for her to materialize
the hopes remained as hope, the loneliness as pain
he worked unloading boats in Rotterdam
writing articles and doing photography in Madrid and Barcelona
he was in town when Franco died in 1975
he got a ride hanging from a helicopter
and some other times he rode them for a reportage
he also dug ditches in the snows of Switzerland
hating every minute of the job, yet it was food

He met women in every place he went
he was looking for that lost heart
nights would be sweet, yet not quite as he wished them
he went to Mexico to write and write, and he did
he also walked from the port of Veracruz to Mexico City
the route of Cortés in 18 days, uphill, with some friends
and three years there he stayed
and back to the US, this time to Washington, DC

Once in the US, he started to rush again
as they say, rushing to nowhere
actually, looking for his heart
he met his former lover, but sparks didn’t fly
too much time had passed
and they were not the same ones from ten years ago
time had passed by, and its mark had left
even though he didn’t want to believe it, they had changed

After doing some odd jobs in Washington, DC
he decided to go back to school
he was an angry man, it often showed
until he met his future wife
she was quiet and sweet, what a contrast with him
they lived together for four years in DC
and then moved to the city of the angels
after he finished school
a whole new world was supposed to materialize
the hopes were high, the enthusiasm pointing up

Self-forgiveness

20-35 years

I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy of love
I forgive myself for judging myself as deserving to be punished by life
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of friends
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a family
I forgive myself for judging myself as angry
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a father
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of joy
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a lover
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of having feelings
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of expressing emotions

The post 20 – 35 years first appeared on Vladimir Huber.

generativity vs. self-absorption

resolution: sense of caring for and about others

Fame and fortune are with the angels
He and his wife lived together for nine years in Los Angeles
the land of film and television, and movie stars
he worked for the industry, but not too well
he worked in four movies with the American Film Institute
and also with commercial studios
but it wasn’t what he had in mind
he could hardly survive, and again, back to odd jobs

He thought he wasn’t going to be a journalist again
but that’s what he did, for the press and also television
the pay was pretty bad, he had to move on
he also got in trouble for trying to report
what was considered taboo, politicians and corruption
so, he had to move on, back to odd jobs

He and his wife were together, yet passion was missing
they were good companions, and they walked together
life was uphill, specially financially
but mainly at the emotional level
both had been Catholic, and that had marked them
emotions were repressed, as they had been taught
they were together, but not really

Strains started to show in his marriage
he finally went back to school
this time to do what he really wanted all along
but hadn’t found out that it was really that
Spiritual Psychology is the name of the game
say what? yes, just that, you heard it well
and it changed his life more than he had expected
he spoke one language and his wife another
it was already there, but it made the subtle, obvious

He was finally getting rid of anger and hurt
his internal work was solid as a rock
he really went for it with gusto
without sparing any punches, he threw them all
he got in trouble, but he felt well about showing himself
he gradually toned down as his anger subsided
his hurt being healed, there was no more anger
to express, to show, the storm had passed
the pain was a memory, but not a trauma
the baggage was smaller, actually just a handbag
there was not much to carry, and he felt good

He made peace with papa, the main reason for his pain
he made peace with life, which he saw as unfair
but since Jimmy Carter had already said that
well, he guessed he wasn’t the only one in pain
gradually the world was not after him anymore
gradually the world was his friend
he loved, reframed, saw the spiritual side of learning
which was at every corner of the main map

He departed from his wife, time had passed by
they were talking two languages
they were going to two different places
they had to depart, time had arrived
he considered himself fortunate for having been with her
she hugged him in the night when he would convulse
she was his nurse, would take him to the bathroom
because he couldn’t go alone, scared that he would collapse
they would suffer together, comfort each other
hoping that the convulsions would subside

He gradually felt better, with diets, meditation, acupuncture
reading, herbs, mild exercise, and the hope of healing
and the final ingredient would come, therapy at school
one of the components had not been touched, the emotional one
after having worked so hard at the physical, mental, and spiritual
the emotions had been forgotten, but his school was just that
he found himself at the right moment, in the right place
the time for his healing had arrived, and joy came into his life

They parted as good friends, with hurt from breaking apart
but with a sense of liberation, since they had delayed the decision
it was final, each one on his/her feet
they had a codependent relationship
sometimes he was the father and she was the daughter
then she would be the mother and he would be the son
they were growing, so they didn’t need to be codependents anymore

Both grew to be quite successful, internally and externally
she became a famous painter, what she had always wanted
remarried, had some kids, lived in the country
he also remarried, had two kids
became a famous writer, poet, and therapist
built a foundation in Chile
it had a day care center, a 1-12 school, and a university
a total clinic, with dentists, Mds, massage therapists
psychotherapists, acupuncturists, nutritionists
training for judo, aikido, fencing, archery,
a food store, a bookstore, a clothing store, a travel agency
all the stores were part of a chain throughout many cities
the whole foundation expanded to other countries

The philosophy was quite simple
it was what everybody had been asking for their whole life:
a better quality of life, internally and externally
the parents had to study with the children
otherwise the kids would not be accepted
they would learn between three and five languages
have pen pals in the whole world through the Internet
spend a year abroad while in high school
and other kids from around the world
would spend a year in Chile

All religions, races, ideologies, philosophies would come together
have a place at school, in the stores, in the clinic
the kids would work with the land
as a way to promote the wholeness of knowledge
so, they would not have a fixation with intellectual knowledge
they would openly work their emotional issues
at school and with their families
the parents having received the same kind of training
families would work together for the common good

He was finally able to enjoy giving what he didn’t receive
and education for children, full of humanism and compassion
love, honesty, dignity, respect, and joy
his life was full, his dreams had become a reality
he was thankful for such a beautiful life
and the opportunity to serve

Self-forgiveness

35-65 years

I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy of love
I forgive myself for judging myself as deserving to be punished by life
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of friends
I forgive myself for judging myself as angry
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a father
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of joy
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a lover
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of having feelings
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of expressing emotions
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable to have a good job
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable to find direction in life
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable to find satisfaction in my marriage

The post 35 – 65 years first appeared on Vladimir Huber.