12 – 20 years

identity vs. identity confusion

resolution: fidelity = being true to yourself

The adolescence that never was

The child became a teenager
he was shy, introverted, and depressed
pain was all over his soul
he didn’t have a father, at least, not with him
he wouldn’t show the pain
yet, he couldn’t hide it, either
the child became a teenager
but the teenager never allowed
the child to roam free

Painful years at school and at home
he went from place to place
first, his original home, happy and all
then, his mother and two sisters, also in pain
then, his grandparents and their loving care
then, his grandmother, a widow, in pain and confused
then, his oldest sister and her husband
they tried their best, but the teenager was in pain
actually, he didn’t have a home
his father was not with him
and now, his mother went to live with his father
he was happy for them, yet, he was all alone

The teenager tried hard to fit in
but he was too awkward to be accepted
he could hardly talk, he could hardly express himself
silence was his companion
in a life of darkness and sorrow
he was alone, he was alone
no father, no grandfather
one gone, the other one dead

What was the purpose of living?
he would ask himself
without knowing what to answer
maybe there was no answer
if so, then what?
but if he took action, leave this world
it would be too dramatic
way too dramatic
and it would bring even more pain to his family

Yet, the temptation was there
it would take away the pain he was feeling
in his soul, in his body, in his heart
at least, that’s what he thought
he didn’t do it, but it looked awfully good
a few kids from school had done it
maybe they were now relieved of their hurt
maybe not, who knows?

The years went by, pain became a habit
the years went by, and nothing seemed to change
yet, he gradually started to rebel
he did well in sports and academia
he started to drink, a tradition
in a British school, the one he attended
it was his way of coming out of the shell
some adults were now quite confused
did they prefer that he had stayed in the shell?

He became a tough guy, at least on the surface
he drank and smoke, and not always tobacco
he was looking for something, outside and inside
yet, the town was too small and boring
he had to leave, and so he did
or at least, that’s what he thought he would do

His father objected of him going to New York
he was only seventeen
he had just finished high school
he was ready to go, but papa said no
he had caught him smoking the weed
and it scared him to have his child
alone in New York doing who knows what

The arm wrestling began, father and son
together in the struggle, facing each other
two skilled enemies not willing to give an inch
the father, a skilled politician
the son, a hustler who traversed many homes
related by blood, but quite opposite in their vision of life
who knows what destiny would bring

After disappearing from home as a threat
with police, friends, and relatives behind the kid
the father finally gave the okay
the child departed from his father
having been together for only two years
after the old man returned from abroad
he was finally back, the son couldn’t wait to leave
he was finally back, the son couldn’t wait to leave

It was difficult for the child to adjust to a father
after having been on his own for half of his life
the father wanted to tell him which way to go
when the kid had told himself just that for eight years
he thought there were other ways to live
and that’s exactly what he wanted to find out
he had to go, he had to go
and nothing was going to stand in his way

He took a boat to New York at seventeen
he lived in New Jersey for three years
he went to college, and told papa with pride
his father was finally satisfied that his son
had not gone the wrong way
had not gone the wrong way
what a relief the old man felt
his son was OK, he could sleep in peace

The child discovered all kinds of things
he wasn’t observed and recognized in New Joycy
as he was in his town, so he walked freer
he went hungry, he didn’t have working papers
he got anemia and mononucleosis
and a few others of the intimate kind
after all, he was hungry, but he could love
so, that’s what he did, and sometimes
lovers he found, the warmth of tenderness
had finally arrived, he was overjoyed

He had to travel eighteen days by boat
from his country to the land in the north
to find those sweet moments he couldn’t find at home
he had to travel eighteen days by boat
to be close to a beating heart
he had to travel eighteen days by boat
to scream in the middle of the night
because life was too sweet, to the point that it hurt
but, oh my God, that pain was so sweet!

The child was becoming a man
the child was finding out about life
he washed mountains of dishes in restaurants
and he ate leftovers, whatever the patrons wouldn’t eat
he was becoming a survivor, like his father
the child was leaving behind the child and its fears
he was walking on more solid ground
moving and talking, feeling and hugging
the trip was a success, he was on his way to find his heart

He found his love in Atlantic City
back then, when there were no casinos
when you could walk at night without fear
as they say, the good old days
she was open, direct, and loving
they were made for each other
but it wouldn’t last long

He received a letter asking him to return to Chile
his father was ill and ready to be operated
they wanted the whole family together
just in case his father would leave this world
at his return in Chile he felt like a tourist
again, in the awkward position of feeling awkward

His father survived, he was a survivor
his son couldn’t wait to leave
he enjoyed his family, his friends, his father
but, the call of his heart to reunite with his lover was too strong
yet he didn’t know if they would ever meet again
he couldn’t get a visa to return to the US
he would go to Europe and other places
his search for his life would continue
and sadness and sweetness would be his companions
not leaving him alone, embracing him forever
like two lovers in a humid, cold winter night

Self-forgiveness
12-20 years

I forgive myself for judging myself as egocentric
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as spoiled
I forgive myself for judging myself as shy
I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy of love
I forgive myself for judging myself as deserving to be punished by life
I forgive myself for judging myself as an unwanted child
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of friends
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a family
I forgive myself for judging myself as angry
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a father
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of joy
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of being alive
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a lover
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of having feelings
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of expressing emotions