20 – 35 years

Intimacy vs. isolation

resolution: loving

In search of his heart

He had left his heart in the north, in 1972, and it hurt
he was madly in love, yes, quite much
this way, for the first time in his life
he met women here and there, but he couldn’t forget her
he lived in the Canary Islands, Madrid, Barcelona
and also in Switzerland, Andorra, Holland
later, Mexico and Washington, DC
here he met his future wife
she would replace his former love
and help him to gain stability in his life

While in Europe, he missed his former lover
she had taken his heart, he felt the pain
for some reason, they didn’t meet
for some reason, time went by
and the reunion was not a reality
the reunion was that, an intention
born of the wishes of a heart, mainly his
his pain was obvious; his sorrow, abundant

He kept on hopping from country to country
he kept on wishing for her to materialize
the hopes remained as hope, the loneliness as pain
he worked unloading boats in Rotterdam
writing articles and doing photography in Madrid and Barcelona
he was in town when Franco died in 1975
he got a ride hanging from a helicopter
and some other times he rode them for a reportage
he also dug ditches in the snows of Switzerland
hating every minute of the job, yet it was food

He met women in every place he went
he was looking for that lost heart
nights would be sweet, yet not quite as he wished them
he went to Mexico to write and write, and he did
he also walked from the port of Veracruz to Mexico City
the route of Cortés in 18 days, uphill, with some friends
and three years there he stayed
and back to the US, this time to Washington, DC

Once in the US, he started to rush again
as they say, rushing to nowhere
actually, looking for his heart
he met his former lover, but sparks didn’t fly
too much time had passed
and they were not the same ones from ten years ago
time had passed by, and its mark had left
even though he didn’t want to believe it, they had changed

After doing some odd jobs in Washington, DC
he decided to go back to school
he was an angry man, it often showed
until he met his future wife
she was quiet and sweet, what a contrast with him
they lived together for four years in DC
and then moved to the city of the angels
after he finished school
a whole new world was supposed to materialize
the hopes were high, the enthusiasm pointing up

Self-forgiveness

20-35 years

I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy of love
I forgive myself for judging myself as deserving to be punished by life
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of friends
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a family
I forgive myself for judging myself as angry
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a father
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of joy
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a lover
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of having feelings
I forgive myself for judging myself as unable of expressing emotions