6 – 12 years

industry vs. inferiority

resolution: sense of self as competent

The kingdom is falling apart

The child is growing, the child is learning
he is not comfortable at school
even though he does well, they skip him a grade
dark clouds are coming closer in his horizon
he doesn’t know what destiny will deliver
but he sure knows of the gravity of the package

A mortal wound has been inflicted in his heart
his father had to leave the country
because he made bad investments
Chile doesn’t forgive debts, in jail you must go
just because you have a debt
who cares about the child who’s only eight?!

His father told his wife that he had three choices
jail, suicide, or taking off
they decided that he should leave
in order to stay out of jail, and remain alive
the child has no father
and with that, all the shame
of what the yellow press is saying

The moment has come for revenge
politics at its dirtiest, blooding his father
since he doesn’t have power nor money
he is nobody in the eyes of the vultures
who don’t think twice in eating his body away

The family is wounded, the child is alone
all the furniture is gone, the mirrors and the fridge
there are no beds, only mattresses on the floor
it’s 1960 in Chile, but it seems California
in the sixties and seventies
yet, there are no flowers nor smoke
and the mattresses on the floor are not a political statement

The family hardly eats
grandpa brings bags with beans, lentils, and chick peas
eating is a ritual, appreciated, with plenty of bread
so, the hunger can be hidden away, somehow
the pain of not having a father is felt by all
the child cries alone in his room
he is hiding his pain, he is alone in his sorrow
in spite of all the support, love, and caring that he gets

The father is away working as a waiter
or in whatever he can to help heal the wounds
of a hurt child, his two sisters, and his mother
the girls leave high school to start working
new territory for two adolescents
used to the good life and a loving, united family

In spite of the adversity, they unite more than ever
courage and pain, mixed with creativity and sweat
the sweet smell of poverty
mixed with the golden memories of better days gone by
yet, were they really better?
comfortable, yes, but better, who knows?

The girls marry when the child is eleven
the mother can finally leave to be with her husband
the child has been with his grandparents for some time
he loves them very much, he feels close to them
he goes for walks with his grandfather
and sometimes they get lost in the hills
or get wet by the waves when they go fishing
in the early morning of the Chilean winter
grandpa is with him, he has found a new friend

The child has found a new father figure
he doesn’t feel so alone
but of course, he hasn’t forgotten his father
he misses him much, even though he doesn’t show it
he doesn’t show much, he keeps it all in

With his grandfather, they make slingshots
work in the garden, go to captivating places
he has discovered a whole new world
and the old man has the son he never had
he had daughters in his life, which he loved
but couldn’t do all the things he does with the child

Life is bringing a new surprise
Pivo, as he calls his grandpa, gets ill
they don’t know what he has
but most likely is cancer
the mysterious rebellion of the cells
which will take Pivo away from the kid

He had found a heart, a friend, un amigo
but it is again taken away from him
can life give him a break?
the child doesn’t understand what he has done wrong
why must he pay for something he didn’t do?
why is life relentless in its punishment?
and why is he punished in the first place?

He only has one place to go
inwards, inside, to the interior of his shell
he has built a solid bubble for protection
it works well, even though the pain is enormous
it surely doesn’t take the pain away
isolation is tantamount, there is no reason to live
why get up every day?
he surely has no answer, and life goes on

He lives with his grandmother
he is very angry
he has lost his two papas
how much longer will I be punished???!!!
he screams at the heavens
but an answer he doesn’t get
but an answer he doesn’t get

Self-forgiveness

6-12 years

I forgive myself for judging myself as overprotected
I forgive myself for judging myself as egocentric
I forgive myself for judging myself as self-centered
I forgive myself for judging myself as spoiled
I forgive myself for judging myself as shy
I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy of love
I forgive myself for judging myself as deserving to be punished by life
I forgive myself for judging myself as an unwanted child
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of friends
I forgive myself for judging myself as undeserving of a family